You Can Never Find a Good Babysitter
by ereshai
Summary: Arthur and Ariadne need someone to watch their kids.
1. Eames

"He is never watching the kids again. I don't care if there isn't another babysitter available in the entire city, the entire country. I don't care if it means we lose a job, if we never work again, if we were about to _die_. It's not going to happen."

"Arthur, it isn't _that_ bad. Anna's attempt at a British accent is…cute."

"Is Anthony insisting his name is now Tony cute? We decided we wouldn't be using nicknames for the kids, Ariadne."

"He would probably have ended up being called Tony once he and Anna start school."

"I should have known, as soon as Eames mentioned the fact that all of our children's names start with the letter A, that he would pull something like this."

"Well, if you look at it from his point of view, it does seem a little…"

"We decided name the twins after your father and my mother. It was just a coincidence that both of their names happen to start with an A. We've explained that."

"Yes, dear."

"And we both_ like_ the name Alexander."

"Yes, dear."

"At least Alexander doesn't talk yet. I'm sure he would want to be called Lex, or Xander, or Butch."

"Butch? Really? That doesn't sound like Eames' style."

"It's his style, all right. I can't stand that name."

"It's all over now, Arthur. Why don't you check on Alexander, I think I hear him."

"And that's another thing. He kept the kids up way past their bedtime. That's going to throw off their sleep schedules, and you know what that will do to our morning routine."

"You'll fix it, dear."  
>***************<p>

"Eames is dead. I'm going to kill him."

"Arthur? What…"

"Alexander just said his first word."

"Dare I hope…dada?"

"Stick."


	2. Saito

"We are not taking Saito up on his offer to watch the kids again."

"Technically, he didn't watch them this time, Ariadne."

"Exactly. Three nannies, three maids, three bodyguards. Elmo, the real puppet, with the actual puppeteer. Alexander is in a cloth diaper. The outer layer is silk. S_ilk_, Arthur. Anthony and Anna came home with full wardrobes. I think everything is dry-clean only. And Anna said something about a pony."

"My suits are dry-clean only."

"You are an adult, Arthur. Not a couple of tornadoes disguised as four-year-old twins. Our monthly dry-cleaning bill will be quadruple what it is now."

"I'm sure it will only double."

"Ha ha. They won't even be able to wear half of those clothes before they outgrow them. And what about the pony?"

"There's no pony, Ariadne."

"The man bought an airline, Arthur. What's a pony compared to that?"

"It wasn't a pony."

"Arthur…"

"Anna misheard. She's only four."

"Arthur…"

"Sony. He bought the company and he gave the kids a few shares."

"A few?"

"Maybe more than a few."

"Do I need to say your name threateningly again?"

"Our children are now major stockholders."


	3. Yusuf

"I don't think Yusuf will want to stay with the kids again. At least, not by himself."

"He shouldn't have let his guard down."

"Arthur, it was only two hours."

"More than enough time for something to happen. He knows that."

"I'm sure he didn't realize that Anthony and Anna were really tying him up. They are only four years old."

"Ariadne, these are _our_ children. Of course they were really tying him up. At least Alexander was with us. Who knows what might have happened."

"All they did was eat all the cookies and watch cartoons."

"And what if someone had broken in and kidnapped the kids? What could Yusuf have done?"

"What would he have done if he _wasn't_ tied up? We're talking about Yusuf."

"You're right. We should look into bodyguards."

"We have a security system, Arthur. A very good one. We live in a gated community. Now you want bodyguards?"

"Better safe than sorry, Ariadne."

"If it will make you feel better. But I think you should apologize to Yusuf."

"He should apologize to me – us."

"You shouldn't have hit him, Arthur."


	4. Cobb

"I'm not sure I want Cobb to watch the kids again, Arthur."

"Why not? He didn't get tied up, like Yusuf."

"No, no, he didn't."

"He didn't relegate them to the care of his staff and buy them their own toy store."

"No, he didn't do that, either."

"And he didn't teach our children any…_interesting_ new words, feed them cake for supper and let them stay up until dawn."

"No, he certainly didn't do that, either."

"So?"

"So, what?"

"Ariadne…"

"Arthur, he ate a whole bag of chips and what was left of the cookies, drank the entire pitcher of iced tea, and he spent three hours on the phone talking to his kids because he left his cell at home. I think he invited his new girlfriend over, too. I can smell her horrendous perfume. He's worse than any stereotypical teenage babysitter."

"Well, he doesn't charge as much."


	5. Philippa

"That went well."

"I suppose."

"You know it did, Arthur."

"She's a little young, don't you think?"

"She's old enough to babysit."

"I'm still not sure, Ariadne. What if…"

"Security system. Gated community. _Bodyguards_."

"But what about…"

"What new word did Alexander share with us tonight?"

"Hugs."

"And didn't Anthony agree that we could actually call him Anthony instead of Tony?"

"Yes, dear."

"And I do believe Anna never once mentioned marrying Eames."

"Thank God for that."

"Did Philippa get tied up?"

"No."

"She obviously didn't buy them anything. And they were ready for bed when we got home."

"Yes, they were."

"The house was clean, including the kitchen and the playroom. She didn't eat us out of house and home, didn't spend hours on the phone, didn't invite anyone over. It went _very_ well, Arthur."

"Fine, it went well. Maybe she's even worth the small fortune we paid her."

"Arthur, a date night where we can _both_ relax is worth three times what we paid her."

"I suppose."

"You suppose? Does this mean I should cancel Friday night?"

"Friday night?"

"Dinner at our favorite restaurant…and I reserved that little cottage where we spent our honeymoon."

"Philippa's perfect. Maybe she could spend the night."

"Way ahead of you."


End file.
